So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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