We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
