Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize