I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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