Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
