Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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