i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
well you can't waste a boner
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
