The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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