And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
