Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
