The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize