He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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