I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
