By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
