i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
