You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
