So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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