I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
