BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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