Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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