I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize