life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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