You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
