New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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