Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
