bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
