you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
