I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize