yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
