I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My feet surprised me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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