someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
