Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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