You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
