____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
