her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
