You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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