I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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