just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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