I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
