The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
