Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm at about main and main street
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize