wrigley field is MILF paradise
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
