He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Randomize
