I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
