NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
