I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
