We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the day after is always just damage control
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
