I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
