My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize