i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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