Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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