at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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