well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
