Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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