Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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