Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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