Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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