My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Randomize
