she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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