Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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