The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
