Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
