We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize