toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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