If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
