My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
